The movie, “John Wick” and all its sequels have inspired me. Wait, what? John Wick? The movie where Keanu Reeves goes on a killing spree as revenge for the killing of his dog? The same movie where the main character has famously killed a man with a pencil? A f***ing pencil?! (Said in my most Russian tough guy/gal voice). Yes! That John Wick movie. Two things have happened in my life lately that made me connect to that movie. The theme of both of those events is “bad ass”. I, myself, am not a bad ass, but I have recently pretended to be. Hear me out.
One day recently, I got locked out of my house. Our doors are old and apparently if you slam the front or back door too hard, the locks in the knobs activate and lock themselves. On this particular day, I had just let the dogs out into the backyard, which meant that the back door was unlocked. However, the padlock on the gate was locked. We don’t go through the gate very often so it stays locked more often than not. After I let the dogs out, I went out the front door to roll the trash can to the curb. I must have shut the front door harder than it liked because it locked behind me. Obviously, I didn’t have my key. It was a cold day and I also didn’t have long sleeves or a bra on. Another example of Just wear one anyway.
I didn’t panic though. Because my neighbor has a tiny dog that likes squeezing through the fence into our backyard, she has a key to the padlock on the gate. That way, if we’re not home, she can go into the yard to grab her little escape artist, whose name is Ollie by the way. He’s adorable but ornery sometimes. Regardless of the bra situation, I knocked on her door and got, what I thought was the key to our gate from her. She was on the way out to take Ollie for a walk and by the time I realized it wasn’t the right key, she was already almost out of sight down the street.
There was only one thing I really could do. Since it was cold and I was under clothed, waiting for her to come back was not an option. I had to hop the fence. “Hop” is what people in John Wick movies do. There’s a fence blocking my way? No problem! Let me just put one foot on the fence, hoist myself up, put one foot on the top and then jump down to the ground. Easy. John Wick could do it in that figure hugging suit and tie he wore in every movie. He could make it look cool…and easy. I knew the how of getting over the fence, and I even got halfway over it. I got up one side with my foot in one of the spaces in the chain link and I got my foot propped on the top and all I had to do was “hop” down. The fence wasn’t even as tall as me. It was not a long distance down. But all I could think about was the fact that I’m old and I have an old skydiving injury related to my knees (Did I Ever Tell You…? (Part 1). Not that that injury has anything to do with the status of my knees almost 20 years later, but I like to use it as an excuse.
I will say that I did get over the fence. But I had to be more MacGyver than John Wick about it. I took a piece of cardboard out of the recycle bin and folded it in half. I draped it over the top of the fence because, hello! Those chain links were pointy at the top. An Ow! waiting to happen! Then I dragged a trash can full of yard debris over to the part where I was going to climb over. I put a piece of scrap metal across the can because I had already broken the lid by attempting to step up onto it. So, with my contraption set, I stepped onto the can, and then slid sideways on my belly across the cardboard and brought my legs over and to the ground gently. Nothing bad ass about it. I was so disappointed in my physical agility and fear of landing roughly on my knees. But I was impressed with the intellect I showed in getting over it without any injury or pain.
That discredits me from being in a John Wick movie, but here’s where I can be in it simply because of my tattoos. If you’ve seen the movie, you know that there is a group of women who take the orders for contracts and sends them out to all the bad guys. These women just ooze bad-assness. They have professional looking attire on, a collared shirt, but sleeveless and with some bangin’ tattoos. They are cool. Yesterday I wore a button up sleeveless shirt with a collar to work. Granted, I wore a sweater over it But when I got home and took my sweater off, I realized that my arm tattoos remind me of one of those contract-making hit women secretaries. Before I go full John Wick lady, I need to add more to the arm in the picture below. I really want to fill in the background and make a sleeve out of it. I don’t know if I’ll do that first or get the hideous goldfish on my chest covered up. Most of the yellow ink has faded and he looks less like a fish and more like some weird lizard-like reptile thing.
So, while I don’t have the physical agility and/or bravery required to be in a John Wick movie, as Elle Woods said in “Legally Blonde”, I totally look the part. Well, not yet, but I will!
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