Sunday, October 20, 1996

What I’m doing and why I’m doing it–Journaling for Mental Health: A 30-Year Journey

I had gotten a little behind on transcribing my journals into text, hence the delay in getting volume 2 started here. With this journal I had started putting the day of the week that I was writing. For some reason it helps me really get back to that time knowing what day I was writing–during the school week or on the weekend. These entries also get quite lengthy. In volume 1, I limited myself to two pages for each entry. It’s now a free for all in all the journals after. Teen angst can’t be restricted to just two pages anymore! I say that with a smile because now that this journal starts with my freshman year of high school, the teen angst ramps up even more!

I’ve taken out some stuff that’s not all that important and put ……… in its place. The details about all the crushes and boys and girl drama gets to be a bit much. That’s just how it was though. Again, this is what was the most important to me. I still question why that was so important, but my therapist has helped me understand that since I wasn’t getting love, guidance, affection, anything emotionally positive at home, this is where I sought it. In the people my age that I interacted with on a daily basis.

Since this starts volume 2, for context, I was 14 years old. For next time, I’ll see if I can dig up my school picture from that year. I was beautiful, but absolutely didn’t believe I was then. Again, that’s just how it goes. Self-confidence wasn’t a thing for me yet. In all honesty, almost 30 years later and it is only just now becoming a thing for me.

With that said, here’s the first entry that proves I had nothing to worry about when it came to starting high school.

Sunday, October 20, 1996

It’s well into the school year and I was right, I was worrying about nothing. High school is the best! My clothes and friends situation is pretty cool. Best friend #1 said she wasn’t my best friend anymore because she was tired of hearing about my local high school life and my local high school friends. But, she started calling me again, so…But I think she only called me because she wanted to gloat in my face about her boyfriend. If she’s going to be like that, I can be like that back. Because I’m getting close to the one person, that she doesn’t want me getting close to. Jim. Let me start from the beginning. My love life at local high school hasn’t been too great. For a while, I went out with boyfriend #3, but he wanted sex. It’s not that I didn’t want to have sex, I just didn’t want to have sex with him. ………..I’ve had a few crushes, and this Friday is the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance. There are a few people I’m thinking of asking because it’s girls ask the guys. I already have a date with boy #18……I don’t want to go with him though. I even wrote one of my crushes a letter, signing my name, which took a lot of guts on my part. He hasn’t said anything about it or done anything about it, but that’s o.k. because I like someone now, who I have gone with before, I’ve started talking to again. Jim. The lines of communication have opened up between us. Me and him have become so close! He has blown his weekend plans just so he could talk to me on the phone. Me and him flirt so much over the phone. He always wants to talk to me over his other friends. Whenever I talk to other guys, it’s just not the same as talking to Jim. Even when I was kissing boyfriend #3, I thought about kissing Jim. I can’t even tell you how close we are, we share the same feelings, opinions, everything. I can tell him anything and he would understand. We understand each other. He knows everything about me, and I know everything about him. He’s like my brother. He is the only boy I have ever loved. I may have thought that I loved my other boyfriends, but Jim is the real thing. I let him go where noone else has gone. I let him under my clothes, I’ve never let anybody under my clothes except for Jim. I really want our relationship to go farther, but I’m not sure about him, and he is so funny. He is just incredible. I can’t really describe how much I love him, as a boyfriend and as a best friend. I know that I’m going to marry him. I have told him things that I have never told anyone else. But I do have to say though, if it weren’t for best friend #1, me and Jim would never have met, as much as I hate to admit it. But Jim is so perfect and so much like me. I’m so happy when I’m talking to him. It’s incredible. My heart sunk when he told me he had a girlfriend, even though he was only kidding. But, he told me that once girl #14 got her license, he would ride around with her. I really don’t want to think of Jim with another girl. Even though he has every right to chill with another girl. I really want something to happen between us again. I want to make-out with him again and you know what? If the situation ever came up. I would sleep with him. I keep thinking of our passionate Monday and how much I want to do it again. But he wouldn’t go with me again, at least I don’t think and I don’t think I want to tell him or ask him anytime soon. But we do flirt,  a lot. Getting back to local high school and my peoples. Ex-boyfriend #1, friend #1, and all of our friends hang together. There’s a guy in two of my classes, his name is boy #19 and I’m crazy about him, but he can’t compare to Jim. ………. Right now, I’m having fun with Jim. (Over the phone of course). Other than those few things, school is cool, a lot of academic stuff going on, but the main thing is Jim. I’m so glad we’re talking again. Who knows, I may even invite him to the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance. That is, if I get up the balls to. Who knows, he may even say yes.