“I am that person now…”
When I get an idea for a post, I create a new post and type my ideas and then save the draft for later. The phrase up above is something I typed recently. The thought came to my mind as I’ve spent time reflecting on who I am. If you’ve followed along with my posts over the past year, you’ve read that I have done a great deal of soul searching. The tattoo of blue flowers, my “blue hair”, is proof enough of the fact that I feel like a very different person than I did a year ago.
The blue flowers represent my freedom from a work environment and person that was toxic to say the least. Traumatic is more like it. But it’s like the fish at the end of “Finding Nemo”. They got their freedom. They’re in their plastic bags in the ocean and the puffer fish says, “Now what?”
I got my freedom last summer and this whole year I have been trying to answer the “now what?” This answer has been evolving all this time and I certainly believe there is no end date. There is not a definite time when I will have a complete answer for that. I don’t think it’s necessary. But here’s the thing…I have a pretty good idea of where the answer is headed. And that has never been more clear to me than it has these past couple of weeks.
When the last session of my blue flowers piece was over, I told myself that I was officially done with the old part of my life. I was moving on. And I have actually done that. I almost don’t recognize myself now. That’s not a bad thing.
I’ve been engaging with people online a lot. Mostly on Threads. There’s a whole attitude amongst older women (women who are 40+). We don’t care about people’s opinions of us anymore. We are doing what we want to do because we don’t care.
I have been engaging with these women on there and have been talking a big game about not caring what people think about me and doing things simply because I can and I have the means to do it. It feels good to say those things…remember, I didn’t really have a voice until a year ago. I got the freedom to use it and have spent this entire time getting comfortable with it.
So I say these things online and this nagging thought has been in the back of my mind. Am I really the person I say that I am? Do I really not care what people think of me?
The answer to both of those questions is a very loud YES! And here’s how I know.
1-At work, I will be moving out of my current hole in the wall, sad office. I’m not going back to my original office, but to an office in the same building that is much larger and has a big window. I have debated bringing Steve to my new office. Steve, the skull on top of my little office tree, became a thing because I put a tree in there to liven up the space and make it a little happier than it really was. Setting him up in the new space didn’t seem appropriate. He has served his purpose in the time that I have been displaced. So I brought him home today. And all the lights and decorations and everything that went on each season’s tree. The real reason I brought him home though is because I don’t want to get too cozy at work. It’s work. I go there to do a job and come home. That’s not my life. It doesn’t need to be all sentimental and fun in my office. I don’t care all that much about it anymore. And what’s even harder to believe is that the people at work that I know don’t like me, I don’t care that they don’t like me. That’s their problem. I’m there to do my. job. That’s it. I’m not just saying that. I truly feel it.
2-I wore little plastic soda cup earrings to work today. I went to Claire’s recently and bought a whole bag of fun earrings like that. I loved Claire’s when I was a teenager. In fact, my sister was a manager at one and it was so awesome all the things she bought me with her discount. I saw a Claire’s at the front of a Walmart store and got all nostalgic seeing the smiley face earrings and just the funky, cool other types they had. The old Sarah would have immediately pushed down the impulse to go in and buy some by saying to herself, “you’re not 16 anymore”. I’ve stopped myself from buying a lot of things by saying that. I didn’t say that this time. I said “F-it” and went in and bought a whole bunch of them. And I’ve been wearing a different pair to work ever since. Do they match the professional attire that I wear every day? No. Does it make me happy to wear them anyway? Yes. And the inevitable question… do I care what people think when they see a 43 year old woman wearing earrings that are cascading mini gummy bears? Absolutely not! Again, I’m not just saying that. I really feel that. (The same line of thinking applies to my neon orange nails. Not all that professional. Not all that concerned what people think of them. The color makes me happy).
I think the biggest thing that surprises me about myself now is how willing I am to put myself out there. I don’t have a big following yet. Haven’t even hit 1000 followers on Threads. Only a handful of people I don’t know follow me on Instagram. But I’m doing my best to make my voice heard. So much so that I even bought all the things to start making videos. I discovered that videos get more views than anything else. I want to build this following so that when I send query letters out to publishers, they’ll see what kind of following I have given that I am an unknown writer. I read that’s something they’ll want to know. And not only that, I just want people to know my story and what I care about and things that I think are important. Maybe they’ll get something from what I share…inspiration, comfort, joy, sadness, righteous anger, a feeling that they’re not alone, whatever! I just want them to feel something.
All these things that I want to do and am planning to do absolutely did not exist in my mind last summer. And now I can’t stop thinking about it all. Which is good! This is what I wanted to know when my freedom began. What’s my purpose now? Who I am if I am not an educator?
Now I know. I am that person who doesn’t care what people think of her. I am that person who will not hesitate to comment and engage with people she doesn’t know on social media. I am that person who expresses her opinion whether it’s popular or not. I am that person who uses her voice. I am that person with big ideas and has plans to share them with the world no matter how big or small the number of people are who see these ideas.
I never believed I could be that person. I was envious of the others who were. I felt shy. I felt scared. I felt anxious. Not anymore though. Now…I am that person.
Leave a Reply