I was tempted to not write a post today. I’ve reached a year with posting every day, certainly I can skip a day. Right? For my lunch break, I sat in the backyard with my dogs and looked at job offerings on Indeed. The desire to quit my job was reintensified when I returned to work today and checked my email. Another “as needed” anxiety medicine was taken at lunch. It hasn’t worked today as well as it has in the past. When I came home from work, I was in a worse mood and upset with myself for how much attitude I gave the pharmacist I spoke to at CVS when I tried to transfer my prescriptions from Walgreens.
But I eventually calmed down. I drove to PetSmart to get some more dog food. Then I went through the drive-thru at Zaxby’s to pick up dinner. And I thought of what I could write for Flashback Friday. I reflected on this time of year and what my Timehop app showed me what I was doing on this day 2 years ago. At my old job. This is the picture I took along with the caption I included with it when posting it on Facebook:
The caption says: “When you have to stay up late and get up early to monitor weather forecasts for your school, you take advantage of the early closure with a nap on the couch! I’m grateful that Millie is getting better about entertaining herself quietly without getting into mischief. Hopefully she’ll take a little nap too!”
I remember that night. I didn’t go to bed until the weather forecast on the 11:00 news. I was the principal then and I stayed up to see what the expected winter weather was supposed to do for my area so I could make the call to cancel school, or delay it or open it on the regular schedule. My “mentor” and I texted back and forth for much of that night, concluding with a phone call after the 11:00 news. She was coaching me on how to make the decision.
That was 2 years ago. But also, 2 years ago around this time, my stress and anxiety was building. And in February she uttered those words to me that was the first nail in the coffin of the career she envisioned for me. In February, when I complained to her about my chest hurting and the idea that I was possibly getting sick, she said “Push through it. Principals don’t get to take a day off because they don’t feel well.”
Two years later and I had the same chest pain yesterday. I posted a video on Monday where I told teachers to listen to their bodies. I recounted this story of “pushing through it” and how it almost killed me. Yesterday I decided that I needed to take my own damn advice.
Which I am. I’m not going to wait this time though. When I finally quit my job 2 years ago…I was gracious enough to finish out my contract that ended in June. I didn’t want to leave the school in a bind without a leader. Though, I resolved that I would absolutely give my 2 weeks notice if my “mentor” talked to me again the way she did the time I finally decided enough was enough.
This time around I will absolutely give my 2 weeks notice and then use my sick time so that I can stay home for those 2 weeks. This is not a lesson I need to learn twice. Enough is enough.
Until I’m hired elsewhere and can put in my notice, I’m going to get through the days as best as I can and hold on to the fact that I’ll be out of there soon enough. It’s really not as bad as I’m making it sound though. It’s not. It’s certainly not as bad as that year of being the principal. But I learned from that year. And I learned that no job is worth sacrificing my mental health for. I will not stay at a job that makes me as mad and as full of rage as this one does. Of course, to be fair, this is probably enhanced by perimenopause hormones and rage. And maybe I’ll feel better next week. Or, maybe I won’t. That’s o.k. Because on this date next year, I fully intend to be working somewhere else. I wonder what kind of picture I will take on that day.
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