Thursday Thoughts on Mental Health
My last day of work was today. The anxiety about it started yesterday. Here’s how the anxiety progressed…
Wednesday, 5:00 pm: I came home from work and recognized the familiar anxiety. But why did I have it? Was I not excited about my last day? I couldn’t quite tell if the anxiety was the good kind…like when I was a teacher and there was only one more day before summer break started. Or was it the uncertain kind? That I get when my routine is disrupted or there is a big change. Certainly my routine is about to change. I’m quitting one job, enjoying two weeks off, and then starting a new job. It’s still a good thing though. I don’t want to stay at my job. I still want to leave and I’m still excited about my new job. These are good changes. But they’re a big change. Not unlike when I quit my previous job. Except back then, I quit without knowing what I was going to do next. And I was perfectly fine with that. Circumstances were a bit different.
10:00 pm: Suddenly remembered in bed that I had meant to write a nice card for my supervisor to give to her on my last day. Became worried that I’d forget in the morning.
Thursday, 7:30 am: Woke up and wrote the card. I made sure to tell her how much her wonderful leadership helped me heal from the trauma of the horrible boss before her.
10:00 am: Got all my tasks at work done. Felt very tired and had a headache. Took a copious amount of ibuprofen. Anxiety was at a minimum. It felt more like I was eager to get to 5:00 than anything else.
11:00 am: Turned in all hundred (or so it seemed) of the keys I had been assigned. The keys, my key card, and my id badge were all turned back in to the security office. No big anxiety. No feeling at all really. Except for when I realized on my way out that I needed one of the keys one more time and had forgotten about it. I ended up borrowing a key from a coworker later in the day.
12:00 pm: Attended a pizza lunch with my department as a farewell to my secretary and me. Felt awkward at first, then enjoyed the hour chatting and laughing with my coworkers one last time. There were hugs and cards and plans with two of them to attend Easter Sunday Mass together at 8:00.
1:30 pm: After completing a few tasks after lunch, settled at my desk to ride out the rest of the day. The anxiety was kicking up again. Felt like a “can’t wait until 5:00” feeling. I recognized that when I got home, there would be a moment of “now what” like the fish at the end of “Finding Nemo” when their escape plan works and they’re floating in their plastic bags in the harbor. They got their freedom, so what’s next? I had that moment when I quit my previous job. I got over it quickly though, as I’m sure I will this time too.
3:30 pm: Ready to leave. There is literally nothing left for me to do. My secretary will be leaving soon so she doesn’t go over her hours. I may leave shortly after that since I didn’t go home for lunch. No more anxiety, just ready to go home. May indulge in a vodka cran when I get home. Need to do something to celebrate. Even though I’m still tired and my headache is starting to come back. The weather went from a record high close to 90 degrees yesterday to being 40 right now. The day started in the 70s. A wild cold front came through during lunch. The pressure change already sent one of my coworkers home with a migraine.
4:20 pm: I’m home. My secretary and I didn’t hug on the way out. We said good luck at our new jobs. She said nothing will be as bad as it was here, though it would have been worse if we stayed. She said “I’m proud of us”. Me too. We did what we had to do and got out. My anxiety kicked up a little as I drove out of the parking lot. I have only been home long enough to put on sweats and take the dogs outside. My answer to the “now what?” question is not much different from any other afternoon. I need to clean the litter boxes, feed the cats and dogs, I might cook dinner later. My “now what” doesn’t need to be anything out of the ordinary. After all, it’s the things out of my routine that cause a flare in my anxiety. I think tonight, I’ll stick to my routine. Maybe stay up a little later since I know I can sleep in tomorrow. And that’s ok with me.
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