I Do It For Her

What’s something you’ve done that your past self would be proud of?

I’ve done quite a bit of reflecting on my past self compared to who I currently am. While I’m tempted to say I’m a very different person than I was, honestly, that’s not true. Who I am now is who I was when I was a teenager. There just happened to be a whole lot of life that happened between these two stages. Life that momentarily turned me into someone that my teenage self wouldn’t recognize. I think the asnwer to the question then is, I went to therapy, healed myself from the trauma that changed me, and went back to being who I was always meant to be.

There’s a book I’ve been reading this week that has made me reflect on who I am and life in general. I wanted to read something short before diving into Stephen King’s It. I originally picked Dear Evan Hansen. But then I discovered it’s a book based on the Broadway musical and that to really enjoy the book, you needed to listen to the soundtrack first. I wasn’t trying to do all that, so I went with the book right next to it on my shelf. This shelf, by the way, is the one with mostly YA books from the time I was a middle school English teacher and was buying teen books to see what my students were reading. The book I picked next is, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It is very compelling! To me anyway. It’s a series of journal entries, or at least, I’m pretty sure he’s writing in a journal. They’re formatted like letters, and it’s obvious he’s writing to somebody, but it feels like a journal. I’m about a 3rd of the way through and I can see why this book is a bestseller and loved by so many people.

The main character is a young teenager in the early years of high school. He’s deeply reflective and thoughtful. Another character describes him as a wallflower. He’s sensitive, loves to read and write, and cares very much about other people. It made me think that I’m sort of a wallflower too. Certainly not in high school though. I was too boy crazy and immature to be a wallflower. But I did a lot of writing and reflecting on life. Maybe the period of time when I was a Catholic school teacher was my wallflower period. It was a time of calm in my life. I still wrote in my journal. I was deeply devoted to my job though and allowed it to encompass my life and change who I was.

There’s another part of this book that caught my attention. Charlie, the main character/narrator, says “…I always thought it would be fun to have “glory days”. Then, I would have stories to tell my children and golf buddies….Maybe these are my glory days and I’m not even realizing it because they don’t involve a ball.” (His brother plays college football). He goes on to talk about the glory days his dad and mom had. It reminded me of the thing that Andy says in one of the last episode of “The Office.”

“Good old days”, “glory days”…we know what those are, but…it made me wonder, what are my “glory days”? According to Charlie, those are the stories you tell other people. I’ve got lots of stories that I’ve told my friends at work. I’ve told them my skydiving story, the time I chucked my three turtles in a pond to set them free, the time I performed surgery on a goldfish and it died, all the times I’ve been pulled over and why they should never get in a car with me, etc. All of those stories take place a while ago, back in my Catholic school job days. I wouldn’t consider those “glory days” though.

I’d like to think that right now are my glory days. I”m finally happy with my life. Though, to be fair, I thought I was happy when I was a teacher. I’m getting all the tattoos I’ve ever wanted…I love chatting with people about my tattoos and telling them stories about getting them. I have a job I both love and am bored at, which is good. This is just a really good time in my life. I’m creating new stories to tell later. I won’t have grandkids to share them with, but hey, my blog will live on and I’m sure at some point there will be people at work who haven’t heard all my stories yet.

My past self didn’t know what she was in for. Once her mental illnesses took over, she couldn’t see much into the future to even try and dream what she wanted her life to be like. She was focused on survival. She did become the teacher she always wanted to be and now I’m working on being a writer. She wanted that too. So maybe there are multiple things I’m doing that she’d be proud of. And I do them all, for her.

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