It’s Father’s Day. I generally avoid social media on this day because while my father is still alive, I don’t feel enough ‘warm fuzzies’ when I think about him to actually wish him a happy Father’s Day. I don’t wish him a happy birthday in August either. Not that I’m bragging. I certainly wouldn’t do that considering the family members I know who have lost their fathers and truly miss them on this day, as they do every day.
My father is still in my life though. A deep dive into past posts on here detail how tumultuous my relationship with him has been. Now that he and my mother are dysfunctionally happily married again, I have interacted a few times with him. Mostly in person when I’m up north visiting. Only through occasional texts otherwise. No actual phone calls. I talk to my mom on the phone and it’s obvious he’s listening and engaging in the conversation, but from the background.
Despite this…weirdness, for lack of a better word, I have remained torn for quite some time about my feelings for him. He’s my dad, but the knowledge I have of what he did to reunite with my mother gave him the label “monster” in my mind. I don’t think he or my mom knows that I know what he did. And yet, it’s Father’s Day and for the first time in countless years, I actually texted him a gif to commemorate the day. His response back seemed very grateful that I acknowledged him on this day.
I want to like him again. I want to resolve my complicated feelings and move on with our relationship. This feeling of wanting to have my dad back was very strong this afternoon when I was in my car running an errand. The song “Meet Me Halfway” by Kenny Loggins popped up on one of my iTunes playlists. The only context I have for this song is the notoriously bad 80s arm wrestling movie with Sylvester Stallone, “Over the Top”. I was subjected to this movie repeatedly as a kid. My parents had it on VHS. It lived on our living room shelf with the other previously blank tapes they had used to record movies off of HBO. My dad loved that movie. And 30 or so years later, the theme song from it sparks all kinds of intense nostalgia. In my car listening to it, I felt like a kid again. Like I had just watched the movie in my childhood living room sitting cross legged on the floor with my dad reclined in his easy chair. It made me want to forgive all the horrible things I know about my dad and the trauma he caused as I grew up, the trauma that I still struggle to overcome. It made me want to knit him a little something that screams “dad” because gift giving is my love language and I know he would appreciate something from me. He has shown that he wants to be a dad to me now and maybe even be the dad that he hopefully knows he never was but that I deserved. I don’t know that I’m ready for all that though. Until I know for sure that I am, a simple Happy Father’s Day gif will have to suffice.
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