Attitude About Medicine

I started taking medicine regularly towards the end of my senior year of high school. I was 17 at the time and had just been given my first diagnosis of clinical depression. Zoloft is what I was given and I had such attitude about taking it. I didn’t think much of it at first, but as my depression began to spiral endlessly down in the months that followed, I began calling the medicine my “happy pills” and I almost resented having to take them. Over the next couple of years, I took a whole assortment of different mental health meds in an attempt to get my depression under control. My diagnosis at that point had evolved into Bipolar type 2 and Borderline Personality Disorder. Whether it was the illness itself or my own frustration at how terrible I felt, I often resisted taking the cocktail of medicine on a regular basis. I often skipped doses and just plain didn’t take it seriously enough. Eventually there was a rock bottom and drastic measures that included taking a semester off of school and receiving four out-patient ECT treatments (ECT=Electro Convulsive Therapy, i.e. shock therapy). After the last treatment, my psychiatrist and I found three medicines that really worked. I stayed on those exact three medicines and doses for over 20 years. Anytime a new doctor asked if I wanted to change anything, my answer was a very quick “no!”. By that time, I saw the value of the medicine. I liked how stable my mental health was after so much time of it being out of control. Granted, I’m not on those same three meds anymore. Only one of the original three actually. I do take two others though and I have accepted and even embraced the fact that I’m probably going to have to take some form of mental health medicine for the rest of my life. And I’m o.k. with that. I’ve learned that the stability of my emotions and how I feel mentally are two things that are ranked high on the list of importance. If it means that I have to take medicine to achieve that mental stability, I’m good with it. It is what it is.

With that said, I find it interesting that I am having quite the opposite thought about medicine I have been taking for my physical health lately. The extreme stress and anxiety of my former job caused my blood pressure and blood sugar to elevate to dangerous levels. I was already on medicine for both conditions, but my doctor found it necessary to increase doses and add several new medicines to get my numbers to normal levels. That was back in March that the change in medicine took place. Now, about 6 months later, my blood pressure and blood sugar numbers are just plain beautiful. So much so that my doctor didn’t even want to do blood work on my last visit because the numbers were so good at the visit before that. Despite how wonderful those levels are now, deep down, I really wish that I didn’t have to take medicine for the numbers to be good. When I was heavy into running just before the pandemic, I was on medicine for my physical health, but the running really dropped the numbers fast. Earlier this summer I got back into running for about a month, but I haven’t run much lately. So all of those good “blood” numbers are because of the medicine. Again I ask, why do I have to take this medicine? And I also think things like, I need to start running again so I can get off this medicine. For whatever reason, I want my body to have good blood pressure and good blood sugar without medicine. But the reality is, I’m predisposed to those conditions given my family history, especially on my mom’s side. Thanks, Grammy. Just like there’s no amount of physical exercise or other things I can do to make me not need mental health drugs, I think I’m always going to have to take drugs for my physical health. It’s genetic. Actually, even my initial diagnosis of clinical depression meant that part of it was inherited. Thanks, Mom. I suppose the good thing is that I am at least mature enough now to realize that I can’t play around with any of my medicine and randomly stop taking it. And I have to make sure I stay on top of refills so that I don’t run out. It’s just a part of my life. I can perhaps hope that at some point I won’t have 10+ medicines to take each day, but for right now, it is what it is.