What I’m doing and why I’m doing it—Journaling for Mental Health: A 30-Year Journey
I’m scared. My mom called and said my dad was offered a DM spot in 3 different locations. He was already offered a spot in Miami, but he turned it down. (Because of the crime rate). But 1 of the 3 spots, is in Ft. Myers, where my grandparents live. I’m afraid my dad would take that job! If he does, bye-bye North Carolina, bye-bye all of my friends, bye-bye nice house in the neighborhood, bye-bye local high school and ROTC and track, hello new girl, I would have to start all over-again like I did in North Carolina. I hated so much being the odd, shy, new girl. I would have to adjust and make new friends all over again. And just when we had bought our house and got settled in. And also, hello hurricanes! I know that there’s a possibility that he might not get the jobs. But if he does, I’m pretty sure he would take them (only one though) especially the one in Ft. Myers. Why me? I want to stay in N.C.! I’ve explained my side of the story but talk about the 3rd degree. I would rather take public showers everyday at local high school than move! Sigh!
July 31, 1996
Well maybe I am a little bit afraid of high school. I’m afraid of not fitting in. My clothes, I have a lot of smiley faces, what if they’re out? Yeah I know, dress to express not to impress. But still. My friends. I won’t have anyone to hang with! Last year I hung with friend #1, next year it will be impossible to hang with her. And what if my virgin lie comes up again? I want a good reputation. If someone wants to sleep with me, I want it to be not because he’s heard I have with other people. (Although I really haven’t). Friend #1 said it’s a fresh start in a fresh school. I guess I’m worried about model girl and bully #1 and co. looking down on me. I reassure myself up in my head, but it’s hard down in my heart. Best friend #1, I can talk to her, as much as I hate to admit it, talking to her makes me feel better. And I can’t forget Jim, and Jim will always be there. If only he were going to local high school too. Then I would have nothing to worry about. Then there’s always boy #6.
As I close out the month of February, I’m also closing out volume 1 with these two entries. They show, what I believe, are normal teenage fears. I absolutely did not want to be the new kid again if my dad made us move. I absolutely felt anxiety about going to high school. I didn’t have much self-confidence then, as I truly believe no teenager does. Maybe by the end of those teenage years, confidence is more likely. But as a very awkward 14 year old? I wasn’t there yet.
The funny thing is, I’m well beyond being a teenager and I just now feel confident in myself. My husband has told me for almost 25 years that I’m beautiful and that he loves me. It’s only recently that I started to believe him. To be fair, I have felt his love from day 1. It has sustained me through so much of my mental health journey. But seeing in myself what he has always seen in me has taken some time.
I’ll pick up volume two at the point where I have skipped a few months of writing and started describing high school in October of that year. No surprise, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. At least not yet.
Until then…
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