Healing is Not Linear

Healing is not linear. I’ve seen this on various posts from mental health advocates. I understand what it means. When you’re a trauma survivor and are on the path to healing, there are going to be set backs. Moments when something triggers you and you have difficulty coping with the symptoms or side effects. It’s true that the body keeps the score. As you heal, you practice combatting the triggers and moving on from them. But it’s not always easy. That’s why the healing process isn’t a straight line. You can’t predict how you’re going to react to certain things. Some things are easier to deal with than others. I’m learning all of that in therapy. I’ve gotten pretty good at dealing with some of my common triggers. I can quickly move myself back to homeostasis with many of them. Knowing that it’s possible that it may not always be this easy and that it’s ok to go backwards sometimes is very helpful. I almost went backwards tonight.

For anyone who is a new follower of mine, the recap of the past year of my life is that I quit a job that I had for many years. And it was all because of my boss/mentor. Some words to describe her are: narcissistic, blunt, intimidating, unsympathetic, and honestly, just mean. Mean under the disguise of “just being honest” which is what she would add after saying something ugly.

I cut off all communication with her when I quit. She expected that we would stay in touch. We did not. But I didn’t tell her that at the time. I left and made sure that she had no way to ever communicate with me again. It’s how I protected myself. It’s how I started healing from what I endured working for her for as many years as I did.

I even got a blue tattoo to honor my freedom from her. I worked in a Catholic school and so many graduates of the school would come back to visit with something crazy like a pierced nose, shaved head, or blue hair. It was their way of declaring their freedom from our strict dress code and stifling rules regarding self-expression. Leaving behind that world and that woman made me feel as free as those blue haired kids. So I’ve been getting a blue tattoo. It’s not finished. It will be in the next two sessions.

The blue represents my freedom and healing. And it came to my rescue tonight when my husband and I were out and I saw my old boss. Or at least, I think I did. I saw a woman with her back to me. Her outfit and jewelry looked familiar. Her haircut was eerily similar. And her voice was damn near the same. I didn’t see her face. I didn’t stay in the area long enough to confirm it was her. I found my husband and without question, he handed me the car keys and I left quickly to go wait in the car.

In the parking lot I surveyed the cars and didn’t see her trademark red Lexus. It’s entirely possible that it wasn’t her. And for a moment I felt guilty for my reaction. Here I am, nearly a year past my last day working for her and I had such a reaction to seeing someone that could have been her that I had to leave the store. That’s not brave. That’s not freedom. That’s not healed.

But then, my shoulder itched. Last week was another session to work on filling my arm with teenage-blue-hair colored flowers and the itchy phase of healing has begun. I remembered why I’m getting that tattoo. It’s my blue hair. I am still free from her. I am still free from the hateful things she would say to me. I am still free from an environment that made me so sick with stress and anxiety that I had to add a whole handful of new medicine to combat the physical effects of it all.

I’m not healed…yet. I’m still healing. Healing is not linear. But I didn’t go backwards too far. My husband paid for our stuff and eventually came out to the car. He asked if I was ok. I was. Honestly. I didn’t cry like I wanted to. Maybe I should have. My therapist tells me I should let myself cry. But I don’t want to cry about this. Seeing someone that looked like her and being presented with a trigger, in the flesh, was an opportunity for me to manage my reaction. I breathed deeply and again, remembered my blue “hair”.

One day I may be able to run into her in a store and come face-to-face with her. Maybe on that day we’ll see each other and I’ll do what I hope I’ll be strong enough to do…look her dead in the eye and walk away without saying anything. In a perfect world I’d throw up a middle finger as I walk away, but baby steps. Tonight was the first one. Even if that wasn’t her, I got myself through that trigger as if it was. And even if I didn’t, let me say again, healing isn’t linear. However you heal is fine. Just keep going.