Once again I can’t answer the prompt with all the prompt tags and all that because this is verbatim a prompt that I have already answered. I’m pretty sure my answer to the question, “How do you waste the most time everyday?” was something like scrolling social media or some other activity that is similarly mindless. But I think my answer is different now. In fact, my first thought was, is time really wasted? And that led me to think of so many other things that branched off from that initial thought. Stay with me, I’ll show you what I mean.
I do absolutely believe now that time is not really wasted. Everything we do is for a reason and serves a purpose whether we realize it or not.
Last night I took this picture:
I was quite literally doing nothing at the time. Well, I was technically laying on the couch and watching t.v. But it wasn’t a waste of time. I had my fourth and final tattoo appointment yesterday and it was actually pretty rough. It took 5 hours to finish. My artist asked at the beginning how long I was planning to sit and I asked if he thought he could finish it all in one session and when he said yes, I said then I’m sitting until it’s finished. And I did. But by the end, my body was pretty close to tapping out even if I didn’t want to. I started feeling very cold, like the air conditioning had dropped way low, but it hadn’t. So by this point in the evening, after I had gotten home and eaten, I was ready to rest. My body was exhausted. While nothing obviously productive was happening in this picture, I was resting my body. And at the same time comforting Ethan, my rescue dog who finds comfort in snuggling with us. This is his nightly routine with me.
After reflecting on this, I realized that some people would consider tattoos a waste of time (and money). But I don’t. My blue flowers tattoo was absolutely not a waste of time. I’ve shared all along the symbolism of the blue. It’s my version of “blue hair”, an expression of freedom from the stifling Catholic school environment I spent so many years working in.
It made me think about my time in that school. And my time getting a masters degree. A degree that I am not currently using for its intended purpose. I don’t consider any of it a waste of time though. While I don’t want to ever be a teacher or principal again, I don’t regret the time that I was. It got me here. To this point in my life where I have a voice. I have a new outlook on life. And not just any life, my life. I spent those years doing so many things that other people wanted me to do. Now I will only do what I want to do.
And to bring this back to my tattoo session yesterday, as I was gritting my teeth through the most painful part (the top of my shoulder), I decided that since this tattoo was about to be done, that means I am done. I am truly free. It’s time to move on. I am going to go forward not letting my past trauma affect how I feel about things happening in my current life.
This past week was really rough at work. There were things I had to deal with and fires to put out that reminded me a lot of what I used to have to do as a principal. It made me resent my current job. Obviously I don’t want to be a principal and I didn’t like that I was having to do principal things. It even made me apply to new jobs I found online.
But now that I have closed that part of my life for good, I am determined to do whatever I have to do at work, no matter what it is and not relate my frustration to my past experiences. The past is done. Again, I’m moving on.
You’d think this is a situation where the thought “easier said than done” applies, but honestly, it doesn’t. Because I think I have truly made that transition. The tattoo is done and today, even though it’s Sunday and I have to start another crazy week at work tomorrow and explain to my supervisor why there’s a reference request in her inbox for a job I applied to, I feel wonderful! I have zero anxiety. I feel like, it is what it is. I’m not going to quit my job. In fact, my current job pays more than the ones I applied to, so I can save money faster for the day I quit to become a full-time writer. I feel nothing but excitement for the fact that tomorrow is the fourth week of the program I run in the summer that is making me so busy. That means time is flying by and this will be over before I know it.
Everything is fine. I am well aware that there will be days where I don’t feel this good and I’ll get frustrated. But it will be because of current circumstances. With no interference from the past. I’ll let you know how it goes.
In the meantime, here are some pictures of my freedom tattoo in all of its blue “hair” glory:
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