Yesterday I posted a series of pictures and screenshots that chronicled my year as the “acting administrator” of the school where I had been a teacher for 18 years. The stress and anxiety I endured during that one year as administrator was obvious in the selfies, the screenshots of inspirational quotes, and the random other…
Yesterday I posted a series of pictures and screenshots that chronicled my year as the “acting administrator” of the school where I had been a teacher for 18 years. The stress and anxiety I endured during that one year as administrator was obvious in the selfies, the screenshots of inspirational quotes, and the random other pictures I took that year. My post ended with my last day of work. This one begins right after that.
I took an epic road trip to Syracuse, NY to the annual camp my online knitting friends host each year. It was important for me to be present with the people who had supported me so deeply throughout my time at my old school. They had surprised me with a birthday cake and a chorus of “Happy Birthday”. I was so happy that I cried. My car broke down on the way home and this was the gift I made for the auto shop who went above and beyond to help me. When I got home, I still didn’t have a job so I had lots of time to do things like this. My blood pressure got so much better! A little too better. It was at this appointment that my doctor took me off some of the meds he had put me on earlier in the year. I enjoyed my period of unemployment. I got to watch the summer Olympics live each day. I stood in my living room and cried during this particular moment. The first day of my new job. Words that helped me understand that my identity was not actually whatever my career was. For so long I felt that I was a teacher. That’s who I was. Since I’m no longer a teacher, I had to learn that teaching was just something I did. That’s not who I was. I had to learn to be patient with myself as time went forward and I started to heal. I was excited to find my first grey hair. I joked that it was because of that year as a principal. I was genuinely excited to see it. I took time to acknowledge what I had gone through and what I had survived. I started to get very angry about what I had experienced and truly began to not care if what I was saying and posting about my experience made it back to the person who had caused it all. I read books like this. This one was really good by the way. I don’t remember the reason for this picture. But I know it was sometime after work. My eyes and smile are very different. Selfies in my office were also very different. I started sharing my opinions in louder and louder ways. Including my opinion that there should not be a stigma around mental health issues. I had so much more free time (and still do). I made Christmas presents for all of my nieces and nephews, including this Taylor Swift doll for my oldest niece. Lots of screenshots of words that spoke to me on many different levels. All of them related to the theme of healing and moving forward on my journey. I’m still trying to figure out that second most important day. I struggled with this for a while. What’s my purpose now? I have a better idea now than I did initially. I have done a lot of introspection on my inner child. I have talked to her and apologized to her. I have even forgiven her. There really are some days that are harder than others. Oh how I hope something I’ve written lately gets accepted for either winning contests I’ve entered or publications I’ve submitted to. I wrote about my experience and I secretly want to send her a copy if it ever gets published. Her music helped me through that year, especially her song “Roar”. I bought these tickets as soon as they went on sale. I can’t wait to experience these songs live. I decided to write a book. I also decided to get my arm tattooed with blue flowers. This is the picture I took to send to artists to see if they would take on the idea I had. The little things made me so happy. Like going to buy these stamps on my lunch break the day they came out. I started to feel and truly believe that I don’t care what people think of me. I am who I am. I went no contact with my parents. My mother didn’t understand who I am now. In fact, she tried to minimize my experiences growing up that fueled much of the difficulty I had that year. How I was raised contributed significantly to my inability to say no. So much of what she has said to me lately contributed to my decision. I don’t regret my decision to cut her off. Powerful words. My blue freedom tattoo was finally finished. I felt that now that it’s finished, I could be finally finished with that chapter of my life. I’m truly free. Now that I can be whoever I want, I’m going to be the cool chick with tattoos who wears crocheted sweaters that she made herself. The final nail in the coffin of my old life…posting a picture on social media of me drinking an alcoholic beverage. Thanks to the slushy machine my husband got me for my birthday last month. I haven’t been fired yet because of it.
I’ve learned so many things over this past year. I feel like I could talk for a while on all that I discovered about myself and just how different I am and why. It certainly doesn’t mean I’m done though. I have a pretty good idea of what kind of person I am now, but at the same time, I’m very excited to see what that means for my future.
Also though, this isn’t just about me. I really think it’s possible for everybody to do something big. To change something that’s causing unhappiness. To get out of a toxic situation. I have learned that I don’t think people should put up with things for as long as they do. Certainly there’s good reason for gritting your teeth and powering through. I did it for 19 years. But just know, a better life is possible. Things can and do get better. Trust me.
Thank you! She has my two older sisters who she hasn’t treated any better than she’s treated me. She also has my father. It’s ok though. I’ve made peace with the fact that I may never talk to her again.
We do what we need to survive. Tragically, life is not fair. While your mother probably, inwardly, sees, or saw, you three as either her reason to be, or even her retirement care plan, blew up in her face. But it’s not fair that she abuse you either, so she basically asked for it. If that’s the case, I’m glad you are at peace with it. Kind regards.
Middle-aged Maverick is indeed middle-aged and she’s proud of it. She has a tendency to over think and over analyze many of the things she encounters in her life, as evidenced in many of her posts. She knows how to drive a stick-shift car, prefers Coke over Pepsi, and spent many of her adolescent years being obsessed with Jim Carrey.
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