I go back to work tomorrow. After a solid two weeks off. I think this is the case for many people. And, like many people, I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’m going to have to start hard-core planning the summer program I supervise. Another one of the programs I supervise is going to be starting in a couple of weeks so I’ll have to deal with people I don’t like in order to get that going. I really don’t want to do it. I would much rather stay at home and do other things to help get my writing career off the ground. I got another rejection from a publication this morning and while it’s discouraging, it’s making me want to keep writing and keep trying. I’d like to stay home for a while and work on it.
But that’s the thing that’s going to help me through my work day tomorrow. That job is not my life. It’s just a job. I have other things going on that are much more important than where I work and what I do there. I have other things to focus on. And for that, I’m grateful.
When I was heavily invested in my career as an educator, I desperately wanted something at home to focus on that was more important than my job. I needed something so that when I was at work and dealing with all that I dealt with, it wouldn’t bother me so much because there was something more important waiting for me at home. Something to look forward to. Not that coming home to Josh wasn’t great. But we had a pretty normal, boring routine at home. It’s part of the reason I wanted to have children. Not just because I wanted them, but because they would be my purpose in life. They would be what was most important to me. At the time, my job was it. I didn’t like that but felt powerless to change my mindset without actually having something else.
Now I do. I still don’t have children and I might not ever. I still don’t have a writing career that pays me enough to not work a typical 8-5 office job and I might not ever. But I love writing. And I love the idea of making videos and sharing them with whatever online audience happens to see them because my message is what’s most important. What I have to say about what I have learned about mental illness and what advice I can offer on various life topics is what I am very interested in sharing.
This is what feels important to me now. And even if I never wrote anything, just the fact that I now enjoy my time with Josh in the evenings very much. I sit outside with my dogs and read while they lose their minds playing. I sit in my favorite spot on the couch and knit and crochet things for other people and myself. I get tattoos. I do whatever I want. None of it has to have a purpose, but it does. All of it makes me happy. And that happiness is not from my job. It doesn’t have to. Because it’s just a job. Something I do so I can have money for tattoos and fancy yarn and new books.
So, tomorrow I’ll get up for work and go sit in my office reading through whatever emails piled up while I was gone. I’ll interact with those people I don’t like and I’ll start planning for the summer program I supervise. But I’ll also look forward to coming home at 5:00 and doing what is that’s most important in my life. And that is, just living my life.
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