Thoughts on Mental Health Thursday
Last night I was working on my book. I’m still in the transcribing journals phase and I’m on volume 6 (out of 39). These were around March and April of 1998, when I was in the 10th grade. The entries I focused on revolved around the awful rumor that started going around about me. The day after the rumor started, some girls stole my floppy disk from our typing classroom and printed my journal from it and spread it around. I never should have typed it on there, but I did. So these few days were horrible for me and set the tone for the rest of my time in high school. Mainly because I never defended myself. People initially asked me if the rumor was true—it certainly looked like it was true for those who were there. It involved me being in a position where it looked like I did something sexual on the school bus. But I didn’t do what they thought I did. I don’t know what I said when they asked me if it was true. Apparently I didn’t write that down. I do think that I insinuated with some people that it was true just because it got me attention, particularly with the boys.
Here’s the thing though, people didn’t just ask me if the rumor was true. They continually talked about it and never left me alone about it. Whether that was saying things directly to my face or behind my back or as I walked by.
After a few days, I got really upset with everybody. I was ready to get in their faces and defend myself. But I didn’t. I never did. Because I talked to my parents and they told me to ignore them. That they only wanted a reaction out of me and so by ignoring them, they would leave me alone.
I took their advice and didn’t stand up for myself, at all. As a result, it did nothing to stop the bullying about it. For the next two years.
I’m including this for today, and my focus on mental health on Thursdays, because reading the details of what those kids did to me…the sheer cruelty of their words and threats…makes me amazed that I survived high school without hurting myself. There are so many stories in the news today about young people taking their own lives. I think cell phones and social media exacerbate the problem with teenagers today. And even though I didn’t have those things back then, the kids were just as awful. So while I’m surprised I didn’t hurt myself because of this, I’m not surprised that my first mental illness diagnosis came before I graduated. In the spring of my senior year I was diagnosed with clinical depression and put on Zoloft.
I share all of this to say, check on the kids. Especially the ones in middle and high school. They may be alright, but they also might not be. I’m lucky I got through high school. But I think it would have been a lot easier had I had an adult checking in on me and talking to me and guiding me. My parents only noticed something was going on with me when my grades started slipping. Things had been going on long before my grades started being affected.
Again, check on the kids. Be annoying about it if you have to. Just let them know they have someone in their corner. Someone they can confide in and trust. Someone who can…just help. They may need help and not even realize it. Be the person who is there, just in case.
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