I started writing in a journal when I was 13 years old and in the 8th grade. At first, each journal entry was only two pages each. As I advanced through my teenage years, entries became longer and longer and much more frequent. Teen angst had me filling up an entire journal in only a few weeks. Though I never stopped writing when I became an adult, the entries became less frequent. The topics that I felt were important enough to write about certainly changed from crushes to my struggles with mental illness to issues with my family. It is obvious to see an evolution take place in me throughout the almost 29 years that I have been documenting the thoughts and feelings I have about my life.
Recently I filled up journal #38 and began writing in #39. Whereas teenage me could go through several journals in a single year, middle-aged me took three years to fill up this most recent one. But looking back through that one book and reading what has taken place in my life over the course of the past three years is profound to me. My last post on my blog here was made a year into the Covid-19 pandemic in 2021. Teaching during such unusual circumstances had me very stressed and I was lamenting about how much I wanted to return to running but hadn’t. The most recent journal begins around that time as well. I spent much time detailing my efforts to get back in shape physically. But then everything began to change and it just didn’t stop. An immense amount of life changes happened over the course of the three years documented in that one journal. The heartbreaking passing of my mother-in-law and moving into her house. Becoming pregnant unexpectedly and the incredible joy we felt and the devastating sadness when I had a miscarriage. Adopting a rescue dog that became the world to us, then losing him to a severe seizure disorder almost a year later. Starting graduate school so that I could become the principal of the school I have taught at for 18 years and the emotional toll it took on me because I worked full time while taking classes. My internship year of grad school that doubled as my first year as principal that created so much stress and anxiety on a regular basis that I have since quit my job and have vowed not to return to the education field.
It surprises me that I survived all of that. Not that I had a choice…there was no alternative. I just had to keep living and keep pushing through.
While I’m amazed that I survived, I’m also incredibly grateful to be on the other side of it. Journal edition #39 has begun with optimism about my future. I don’t have another job lined up for when my contract ends on my old one, but that’s o.k. for now. I officially graduate with my master’s degree in two weeks. We have since adopted a new dog who we love with all our hearts. Our house is starting to come together how we want it after moving in two years ago (finally painted a room!).
With this new journal, another three years is starting, and so many more after that. It is my hope this time that I won’t just have to survive those years, but that I will be able to truly enjoy all that takes place in my life during that time. On to the next…
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