What I’m doing and why I’m doing it–Journaling for Mental Health: A 30-Year Journey
Well, Jim didn’t come with news of Shannon, so I’m somewhat relieved. I really love him. Speaking of Robert (ha, ha). I actually had a conversation with him. During activity period today, he sat at my lab table. I was so nervous, I was afraid to look at him. But we did talk (a little bit). When he first spoke to me today, I felt so good. I heard that he tried to steal Kim away from John, and John was gonna kick Robert’s ass for it. I would love for Robert to try and steal me away. It makes me mad to see how Kim can not take Robert seriously, she just doesn’t know how great Robert is. It’s kind of like the Jim, Shannon, situation. But Robert is still an untouchable sitting up on his pedestal. If I could have a dream date with anybody from either school, I would probably pick Robert. Of course my second choice would be Jim.
This entry is about halfway through volume 2. It comes almost immediately after an entry where I fill up three or four pages talking about “Robert”. I insist that he was my first crush and that all the crushes before him were just boys I liked. I think I was right. This crush on him lasted all four years of high school. I had labeled him an ‘untouchable’ because he was one of the most popular boys in school and I absolutely felt like I had no chance. I probably would have had a shot if I knew how to talk to boys like a normal person and not be all giggly and nervous. Really though, what teenage girl actually talks to boys they have a crush on like a ‘normal person’?
I picked this entry to showcase though because as I have reflected on all the boys I either dated or was in love with or had a crush on or all of the above, I have caught up with some of them on social media. I see where they are now. Almost all of them are married with kids. They are living the good life with their families. And while I am absolutely happy with how my own life turned out, that is, being sublimely happy with my husband, I feel a sadness almost. I don’t know if that is the right word. But I look at where these “boys” are now and I think to myself, if I had ended up with any of them like I truly wanted back then, I wouldn’t have been able to give them children. They’re better off without me. Is that strange to think?
My husband and I don’t have children for a variety of reasons. Initially because we were young, I was in college and my mental health was not in a good place. Once I graduated college and started my teaching job, we didn’t actively try to have children because we weren’t married and I taught in a Catholic school–that’s grounds for firing. Seriously. Although we always said that if I accidentally got pregnant, we would hurry up and get married. But then it was a variety of factors. I wouldn’t have been able to take my mental health medications while pregnant and I was terrified of being off of my meds. I also have polycystic ovary syndrome. I was led to believe that I couldn’t get pregnant because I had to take birth control pills to even have a monthly cycle. Plus I also have type 2 diabetes and all kinds of other health issues…high blood pressure being one of them. So much stacked against us. But my physical health improved and three years ago I actually did get pregnant. We weren’t trying, but it just happened. It also just happened that I had a miscarriage almost 8 weeks in. After that, my doctor told me that it would be detrimental to my health to try again. Now, my age is working against me. So aside from the possibility of adopting children at some point in the future, biological children are not looking likely for us. It’s o.k. But all those “boys” look so happy with their kids. I don’t know how my life would have turned out if I was married to one of them but I’m almost certain it still wouldn’t involve children.
Again, that’s o.k. It is the best thing in the world being married to my husband. He and I have been on this journey together for a long time. He is happy with our life together like I am. We’d be happy to have children, but we’re also happy if we don’t. This whole experience of looking back through time certainly does a good job of making me think all the “what if…” thoughts. Still no regrets though with how things turned out.
As I used to sign off in some of my entries… all for now.
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