Are you holding a grudge? About?
Before I dive into this, let me first get clarification on what actually defines a “grudge”. Google says:
A grudge is a prolonged and bitter feeling of anger, resentment, or hostility directed at someone because of a past insult, injury, or perceived wrong. It can also refer to the persistent negative emotion of ill will that causes someone to “hold a grudge”.
Now that I’ve got that cleared up, I think I can answer the question confidently by saying, yes! You’re damn right I’m holding a grudge! Multiple grudges in fact! And every single one of them is justified. People say you shouldn’t hold grudges. It’s not good for your soul or your mental health or you’ll be a happier person if you let go of grudges. To that I say, I am perfectly content holding onto my grudges. In fact, they have fueled some of my best writing lately. There’s passion behind them. To be fair, the grudges I hold aren’t necessarily as strong in intensity as they initially were.
If you’ve followed me or read what I’ve written over the past year, I think you can guess what grudges I’m holding. To briefly summarize, I still have feelings on that Google definition list toward the people I went to high school with who bullied me. That one is certainly not as strong 25 years later, but it’s a big reason I have no desire to go to my high school reunion next month. Point of clarification here…I don’t have a grudge against all of them. In fact, I’m planning to write a post about the one girl who bullied me the worst and what happened with her several years ago. That’s a story that I told my students for inspiration after it happened. Stay tuned for that one.
The other grudge that I’m holding on to involves that “mentor” I had at my old job and what she put me through. If you’re thinking, but Sarah, didn’t you say that since your blue flower tattoo is finished, you’ve put that behind you? You are correct, I have put it behind me. But it hasn’t stopped the anger from resurfacing every time I have an opportunity to talk about what happened. And I’m ok with the anger still being there. It has inspired my “angry songs” playlist that I love to scream along with in my car.
My final grudge is against my parents. Both of them. My father is a monster—a post about why that’s an appropriate synonym for him is coming soon too. My mother isn’t a monster, but lately, I have begun to see her differently. She has changed. And not for the better. She remarried my father and ever since, our relationship has suffered. It’s a big reason I went no contact with them. If the day comes that it’s time to say a final farewell to them, I don’t know that my grudge will let me do that. And honestly, the negativity I feel towards them now makes me think I won’t regret that decision.
Like I said, these grudges of mine are just fine. Maybe given enough time and therapy, I’ll let them go. But for right now, we are the proverbial two peas in a pod. They fuel my writing inspiration. I’m a much more snarky person thanks to them. I’ve never been that type of person, and yet, here I am. And honestly, I love myself for it. Grudges and all.
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