Last year, my ideas about the next three years are pretty similar to what I want one year later (Reflecting on Past and Future: My Life in Three Years). I was at the beginning of my healing journey last year, had just started therapy. Now, I’m not done with therapy, but I am going less frequently. And these appointments are more of a check-in. My goal at the beginning was to heal from the many traumas I have endured in my life. I don’t know the definition of healing in this context. What does that even look like? I guess I could gauge that by the questionnaires my therapist sends me before every appointment. There are general questions where I am asked to rate the frequency of the reactions I have to my trauma. For example, how often am I unable to sleep because of it? Not at all, sometimes, etc. I have an appointment tomorrow so I have already filled out the questionnaire. My answer for most of the questions was ‘not at all’. The side effects of my experiences don’t really bother me anymore. I do have moments of still being very angry about some of it, but given my age and where I am in the big picture of perimenopause, I don’t know how much of my emotions are from my mental illness diagnoses and how much of it is just hormonal.
I can say this with 100% certainty though, whatever the reason is for me saying exactly what I’m thinking when I’m thinking it is not a bad thing. Yesterday, I mentioned my rage–named Betty–but she’s not a bad thing. I have spent 42 of the 43 years of my life breaking down into tears or other form of internal suffering because of things that make me upset. Now, when the same things happen, I just get mad. And say something about it. I am fully embracing that. And in the next 3 years, I hope I’m the same way.
Last year I mentioned maybe writing a book and maybe bringing a child into our family. I’m not so sure about children anymore. But I know I’m writing a book right now. Of course, I fully intend to finish it within the next 3 years and hopefully have it published.
Other than finishing my book, if my life is exactly as it is right now, I will be just as happy. Although, in 3 years, I do plan to have a lot more tattoos. So there’s that.
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